Post by Jye on Oct 18, 2007 0:01:23 GMT -5
This was my Third and Final Family Guy script I wrote, several years ago. The three of these stories (A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Halloween, I Hope He Likes Popsicles and I'll Be Dead In The Morning) were meant to be like a "Treehouse of Horror" type Family Guy episode. Enjoy!
I’ll Be Dead In The Morning
It is a quiet Saturday at the Griffin house. Peter is sitting on the couch watching T.V. He is watching South Park.
Peter: How could people watch this?! All it is, is Crude Programming!
T.V Commercial: Coming Up next, Family Guy!
Peter: Pffft! Family Guy? That sounds like an even crappier show!
Lois: Peter, what are you watching?
Peter: Oh, there’s nothing good on T.V on Saturday Lois! I’m going out.
Peter leaves the house, gets in his car and drives off.
Brian gets up and stands next to Lois.
Brian: Ten Bucks says he comes back drunk.
Peter is driving aimlessly through Quahog. He sees the Library.
Peter: Ooh! Two for one day at the Library! Oh, wait, I’m not going in there. Not after what happened last time.
[Flashback of Peter in the Library. Three little books crowd around peter.
Book 1: Come with us! We’ll take you on an adventure!
Peter: No way! I’ve seen the Pagemaster!
Peter walks away from the Library.
Peter: Damn Books, with their smart words! They’ve ruined reading!!
[Flashback Ends]
All of a sudden, a Black object comes flying from the sky and lands on Peter’s car bonnet and makes a huge dent. Peter slams down the Brake and goes swerving onto the footpath.
Peter: Holy Crap!!
Peter gets out of his car. The Black object groans. Peter then realises who it is.
Peter: Oh my God! Death?!?
Death: Oooh, the one and only. Damn Whiplash.
Death pulls himself up off of the car and sees Peter.
Death: Oh for Gods sake. You again?!
Peter: Hey, I’m not exactly happy to see you either! Look what you did to my car!
Death: Yeah sorry, that’s not my fault!
Peter: Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it?
Suddenly a huge fireball comes flying from the sky and narrowly misses Peter, Death and the car. Peter and Death get flung to the ground.
Peter: Holy Crap! What was that?!?
Death: Quick, get in the car!
They both get in the car.
Death: Come on! Start the engine! Drive!
Peter: The car won’t start!!
Death Groans. He gets out of the car. He lifts up the majorly dented bonnet touches the engine and it starts up. He gets back in the car.
Peter: Wow. You should be a mechanic.
Death: Just Drive!! Drive, drive, drive!!!
Peter: Alrighty then!
Peter slams down the accelerator and slams the car into a tree. The engine goes dead.
Death: You idiot.
Peter: Boy, Lois is going to be pissed.
Death: Uh oh. Get out of the car! Run!!
They both get out of the car and start running. Suddenly, another huge fireball comes flying from the sky and blows up the car. Peter and Death get knocked to the ground. Death is unconscious. Peter rubs his head and gets up.
Peter: Death, are you okay?
All of a sudden a fiery swirl appears in front of Peter. Satan jumps out and lands right next to Peter.
Peter: What the hell? Satan?!? Oh come on, I have to be dreaming!
Peter punches himself in the jaw.
Peter: Oomph, I’m not dreaming.
Peter falls to the ground unconscious.
Satan picks up Death and Peter, throws them over his shoulder and jumps back into the fiery portal. The portal disappears. They are gone.
Later that night Lois starts to wonder where Peter is.
Lois: It’s 8:30! Where is he?
Brian: Like I said Lois, he’s probably drunk off his ass.
Lois: The Drunken Clam! I’ll call there.
Lois picks up the phone and rings the Drunken Clam. After a while she hangs up.
Lois: He’s not there Brian. Where could he be?
Brian: Relax Lois. He’s probably at Quagmires.
Lois: Yeah, well he better get home soon.
Later, Peter wakes up. He is in a prison cell. Obviously in Hell.
Peter: Oooh, Where am I?
Peter looks over at Death who is still unconscious.
Peter: Death. Wake up!
Peter starts tapping Death but that only results in knocking his head off. Death’s head bounces across the floor and hits up against a wall.
Death: Ow! You idiot! I was only sleeping! I woke up hours ago.
Death gets up and puts his head back on.
Peter: We’re locked in a jail cell!
Death: Oh, you don’t say.
Peter: How are we going to get out?
Death: I’m supposed to know?
Death walks over to the bolted door and tries pushing it.
Death: Well, that’s sealed up tight.
Peter: Not tightly enough!
Peter takes a few steps back, lowers his head and starts running at the door. He slams straight into it and falls to the ground.
Death: You’re a Genius.
Peter: Thanks.
Death: I was being Sarcastic.
Peter: Oh.
Suddenly a little eyehole opens up in the bolted door. It’s Satan.
Satan: Having Fun Gentlemen?
Peter: Not really.
Death: Shut up.
Satan: Well get used to it. You’ll be in here for a long time! Ha ha haaaaa!!
Satan walks away.
Peter: What have I done?
Death: You’ve done nothing. It was me. You were a witness.
Peter: You never told me what you did.
Death: I did a bad imitation of Satan to Zeus.
Peter: That’s it? He threw you in here for that?
Death: Oh, and I accidentally killed his wife.
Peter: Oh.
Peter stares at Death.
Death: What?
Peter: You killed his wife? Satan had a wife?
Death: Yeah, I didn’t know either. Hey, if you’re wondering, she came on to me.
Peter: Right…
Peter stares at Death.
Death: What now?
Peter: You had sex with her didn’t you?
Death (Quickly): Yes.
Peter: That’s Disgusting!!…………..How was it?
Death: Oh yeah, it was alrig- Eegh! What am I saying!
Peter: Oooooooh!! Death has a girlfriend! Death has a-
Death: You know, I could kill you right now.
Peter: I’ll be good.
Meanwhile, Back at the Griffins house, Lois is still waiting.
Lois: Where is he?
Brian: You know what Lois. I’m going for a walk. If I see him, I’ll bring him home, okay?
Lois: Good idea Brian.
Brian leaves the house and starts walking down the street. About Half an hour later, he finds the wreckage of Peter’s car.
Brian: Oh My God!
Brian runs to the front of the smouldering car and looks for Peter.
Brian: Peter! Peter!! Are you here!!
He looks around for a while then runs back to tell Lois.
Back in the Cell in Hell, Peter and Death are still sitting around.
Death: Alright, the only way to get out of this cell is through the tiny window up there.
Peter: But that window wasn’t built for the husky gentlemen. Mainly me.
Death: I know, I know. Well, how are we going to get out?
Peter: I’ve got an idea! I’ll pretend I’m hurt and a guard or someone will come running in and you kill him.
Death: Oh great, get myself in even more trouble!
Peter: Okay, brace yourself for some good acting!
Death: Oh, here we go.
Peter: Okay. (Clears Throat) Ooow!! I’ve broken my leg! Someone help!
A Demon-Guard comes to the door.
Guard: Oh, sure Mr. Guy who cried Demon!
Death: Yeah! Great Acting, Peter! Best I’ve seen.
Peter: Hey! It was better than Ben Affleck’s acting!
The screen cuts to Ben Affleck who is chained up in the next cell.
Ben Affleck: Hey! I can hear you!
Peter: Pfft! Damn Ben Affleck wannabes!
Death: So, you got a plan 2?
Peter: I do, Mr smart-ass!
Death: Oh yeah? What is it?
Peter: What is it? Uuuum… its uuuum…
The screen cuts to ten seconds later. Peter and Death are both on fire.
Death: I don’t see how you did that.
Peter: Wanna roll around on the floor in pain?
Death: Oh yeah.
Peter and Death throw themselves to the ground and start rolling around and screaming.
Back at the griffins House, Brian has just told Lois about seeing Peter’s car.
Lois: Oh my God! Brian, you need to take me there!! Kids, I’ll be back later! Don’t leave the house!!
Brian leads Lois out of the house and down the road. Chris, Meg and Stewie stand staring at the door.
Stewie: Soooo… We’ve got the house to ourselves.
Chris: Yep.
Stewie: Hmmm. Well, I’ll be back later.
Meg: Stewie! Where are you going?
Stewie: Hooter- I mean the park. Yes, I’m going to swing on the swings! Like a good boy!
Chris: I am also going to the Park. To swing.
Stewie and Chris leave the house.
Brian and Lois are now at Peter’s crashed car.
Lois: Oh No!
Brian: Hold on Lois, I’ll call the cops.
Brian crosses the street and sees a pay phone. He calls the police. Ten minutes later a policeman arrives. He walks over to Lois.
Policeman: Okay, what seems to be the problem?
Lois: Can you not see the huge flaming wreckage in front of us that used to be my husbands car?!?
Policeman: Oh sorry! Heh heh! I didn’t see that. How stupid of me!
The policeman walks over to the back of the car.
Policeman: Okay, stand back!
He pulls up the boot of the car and looks inside.
Policeman: Oh, I don’t think you’ll want to see this.
Lois: What? What is it?!
Policeman: There’s no spare tyre! If he had of got a flat tyre he would-
Lois is staring angrily at the policeman.
Policeman: Oh sorry.
Lois: So where is my husband?!
Policeman: Well, there is nobody around! Heh heh!
Lois sighs and slaps the policeman across the face.
Policeman: Hey, what was that for? I’m a policeman!
Brian (Sarcastically): Yeah, and we can see you’re a good one.
Back in Hell, Peter and Death are thinking about a way to escape.
Peter: Oh, I’m so Hungry! This is even worse than that time I couldn’t get a burger from McDonalds so I tried to make that Movie!
[Flashback of Peter at a McDonalds counter.
Peter: Uh yeah, I’d like a Bacon and egg McMuffin please.
Lady Behind Counter: Oh, I’m sorry sir! It’s past ten thirty!
Peter: Oh that’s it! I’m going to show you big McDonalds people!!! I’ll show you all!!!
The Next Day, Peter comes back into the McDonalds store with a Poster.
Peter: Behold! I’ve got a Movie Deal! I’ll read it out to you just to rub it in!
Peter opens up the Poster and it’s a movie poster that’s called “Peter Size Me”.
Peter (reading from the poster): One Man will eat nothing but McDonalds for two months! Two Months!?! Ah Screw That! I’ll just go on the Subway diet!
Peter walks out of McDonalds.
Manager: Who the hell was that guy?
[The Flashback ends]
Death: So, how are we going to get out?
A Guard opens up the cell door.
Guard: I’ve just come to get the dishes!
Death touches the guard and the guard dies.
Peter: All right! Let’s go!
Then the door slams shut.
Peter: Oh, God Damn it!!
Death: Don’t worry, I got the keys.
He opens the door and they lock the guard in. Peter looks around at Hell.
Peter: So, this is your type of World?
Death: Well, they sure didn’t get the plans from Disneyland.
The Screen cuts to an old fashioned Disneyland where Walt Disney is checking out a ride. He touches a bolt and a carriage falls off.
Walt Disney: Holy Mortimer Mouse! I was almost killed!
Just then, out of nowhere, all of Disneyland falls down in unison and catches on fire. A Young Satan is looking down on Disneyland on fire.
Satan: That looks perfect! I’ve found my design!! I shall call it…Hell!
Back with Peter and Death are now sneaking through Hell trying to escape.
Death: There’s the exit!
Peter: The exit is a Fire Escape?
Death: Yeah, ironic isn’t it.
Peter and Death open the exit. Suddenly a Huge voice yells at them.
Satan: Where do you think you two are going!!?
Peter: Oh, Crap!
Death: Quick, through the exit!
They jump through the exit and land right on top of Peter’s Destroyed car.
Lois: Oh, Peter! You’re okay!
Peter: Uhh, Honey, You might want to start running!
Satan Bursts right through the exit and starts advancing on Peter, Death, Lois and Brian.
Brian: Oh!
Lois: Aaagh!
Satan: Where are you guys off to!?! I brought you down to Hell for a reason! And that reason is… I want to thank you.
Peter: No!! Oh God No!! Not that! I- What?
Satan: You see, my wife was the most annoying, nagging woman in the World! I waned to thank you two and give you guys a reward.
Death: Well thanks, but Peter here didn’t actually contribute to-
Peter kicks Death.
Death: Ow!
Peter: Shut up!
The screen pans out to reveal that all of that was on a TV screen. And that TV screen is being watched by Peter. The credits for Family Guy are playing on the screen.
Peter: That Family Guy show is one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen! It wasted 22 minutes of my life! Lois, I’m going to Quagmires!
Peter gets up and leaves the house.
The End.
I’ll Be Dead In The Morning
It is a quiet Saturday at the Griffin house. Peter is sitting on the couch watching T.V. He is watching South Park.
Peter: How could people watch this?! All it is, is Crude Programming!
T.V Commercial: Coming Up next, Family Guy!
Peter: Pffft! Family Guy? That sounds like an even crappier show!
Lois: Peter, what are you watching?
Peter: Oh, there’s nothing good on T.V on Saturday Lois! I’m going out.
Peter leaves the house, gets in his car and drives off.
Brian gets up and stands next to Lois.
Brian: Ten Bucks says he comes back drunk.
Peter is driving aimlessly through Quahog. He sees the Library.
Peter: Ooh! Two for one day at the Library! Oh, wait, I’m not going in there. Not after what happened last time.
[Flashback of Peter in the Library. Three little books crowd around peter.
Book 1: Come with us! We’ll take you on an adventure!
Peter: No way! I’ve seen the Pagemaster!
Peter walks away from the Library.
Peter: Damn Books, with their smart words! They’ve ruined reading!!
[Flashback Ends]
All of a sudden, a Black object comes flying from the sky and lands on Peter’s car bonnet and makes a huge dent. Peter slams down the Brake and goes swerving onto the footpath.
Peter: Holy Crap!!
Peter gets out of his car. The Black object groans. Peter then realises who it is.
Peter: Oh my God! Death?!?
Death: Oooh, the one and only. Damn Whiplash.
Death pulls himself up off of the car and sees Peter.
Death: Oh for Gods sake. You again?!
Peter: Hey, I’m not exactly happy to see you either! Look what you did to my car!
Death: Yeah sorry, that’s not my fault!
Peter: Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it?
Suddenly a huge fireball comes flying from the sky and narrowly misses Peter, Death and the car. Peter and Death get flung to the ground.
Peter: Holy Crap! What was that?!?
Death: Quick, get in the car!
They both get in the car.
Death: Come on! Start the engine! Drive!
Peter: The car won’t start!!
Death Groans. He gets out of the car. He lifts up the majorly dented bonnet touches the engine and it starts up. He gets back in the car.
Peter: Wow. You should be a mechanic.
Death: Just Drive!! Drive, drive, drive!!!
Peter: Alrighty then!
Peter slams down the accelerator and slams the car into a tree. The engine goes dead.
Death: You idiot.
Peter: Boy, Lois is going to be pissed.
Death: Uh oh. Get out of the car! Run!!
They both get out of the car and start running. Suddenly, another huge fireball comes flying from the sky and blows up the car. Peter and Death get knocked to the ground. Death is unconscious. Peter rubs his head and gets up.
Peter: Death, are you okay?
All of a sudden a fiery swirl appears in front of Peter. Satan jumps out and lands right next to Peter.
Peter: What the hell? Satan?!? Oh come on, I have to be dreaming!
Peter punches himself in the jaw.
Peter: Oomph, I’m not dreaming.
Peter falls to the ground unconscious.
Satan picks up Death and Peter, throws them over his shoulder and jumps back into the fiery portal. The portal disappears. They are gone.
Later that night Lois starts to wonder where Peter is.
Lois: It’s 8:30! Where is he?
Brian: Like I said Lois, he’s probably drunk off his ass.
Lois: The Drunken Clam! I’ll call there.
Lois picks up the phone and rings the Drunken Clam. After a while she hangs up.
Lois: He’s not there Brian. Where could he be?
Brian: Relax Lois. He’s probably at Quagmires.
Lois: Yeah, well he better get home soon.
Later, Peter wakes up. He is in a prison cell. Obviously in Hell.
Peter: Oooh, Where am I?
Peter looks over at Death who is still unconscious.
Peter: Death. Wake up!
Peter starts tapping Death but that only results in knocking his head off. Death’s head bounces across the floor and hits up against a wall.
Death: Ow! You idiot! I was only sleeping! I woke up hours ago.
Death gets up and puts his head back on.
Peter: We’re locked in a jail cell!
Death: Oh, you don’t say.
Peter: How are we going to get out?
Death: I’m supposed to know?
Death walks over to the bolted door and tries pushing it.
Death: Well, that’s sealed up tight.
Peter: Not tightly enough!
Peter takes a few steps back, lowers his head and starts running at the door. He slams straight into it and falls to the ground.
Death: You’re a Genius.
Peter: Thanks.
Death: I was being Sarcastic.
Peter: Oh.
Suddenly a little eyehole opens up in the bolted door. It’s Satan.
Satan: Having Fun Gentlemen?
Peter: Not really.
Death: Shut up.
Satan: Well get used to it. You’ll be in here for a long time! Ha ha haaaaa!!
Satan walks away.
Peter: What have I done?
Death: You’ve done nothing. It was me. You were a witness.
Peter: You never told me what you did.
Death: I did a bad imitation of Satan to Zeus.
Peter: That’s it? He threw you in here for that?
Death: Oh, and I accidentally killed his wife.
Peter: Oh.
Peter stares at Death.
Death: What?
Peter: You killed his wife? Satan had a wife?
Death: Yeah, I didn’t know either. Hey, if you’re wondering, she came on to me.
Peter: Right…
Peter stares at Death.
Death: What now?
Peter: You had sex with her didn’t you?
Death (Quickly): Yes.
Peter: That’s Disgusting!!…………..How was it?
Death: Oh yeah, it was alrig- Eegh! What am I saying!
Peter: Oooooooh!! Death has a girlfriend! Death has a-
Death: You know, I could kill you right now.
Peter: I’ll be good.
Meanwhile, Back at the Griffins house, Lois is still waiting.
Lois: Where is he?
Brian: You know what Lois. I’m going for a walk. If I see him, I’ll bring him home, okay?
Lois: Good idea Brian.
Brian leaves the house and starts walking down the street. About Half an hour later, he finds the wreckage of Peter’s car.
Brian: Oh My God!
Brian runs to the front of the smouldering car and looks for Peter.
Brian: Peter! Peter!! Are you here!!
He looks around for a while then runs back to tell Lois.
Back in the Cell in Hell, Peter and Death are still sitting around.
Death: Alright, the only way to get out of this cell is through the tiny window up there.
Peter: But that window wasn’t built for the husky gentlemen. Mainly me.
Death: I know, I know. Well, how are we going to get out?
Peter: I’ve got an idea! I’ll pretend I’m hurt and a guard or someone will come running in and you kill him.
Death: Oh great, get myself in even more trouble!
Peter: Okay, brace yourself for some good acting!
Death: Oh, here we go.
Peter: Okay. (Clears Throat) Ooow!! I’ve broken my leg! Someone help!
A Demon-Guard comes to the door.
Guard: Oh, sure Mr. Guy who cried Demon!
Death: Yeah! Great Acting, Peter! Best I’ve seen.
Peter: Hey! It was better than Ben Affleck’s acting!
The screen cuts to Ben Affleck who is chained up in the next cell.
Ben Affleck: Hey! I can hear you!
Peter: Pfft! Damn Ben Affleck wannabes!
Death: So, you got a plan 2?
Peter: I do, Mr smart-ass!
Death: Oh yeah? What is it?
Peter: What is it? Uuuum… its uuuum…
The screen cuts to ten seconds later. Peter and Death are both on fire.
Death: I don’t see how you did that.
Peter: Wanna roll around on the floor in pain?
Death: Oh yeah.
Peter and Death throw themselves to the ground and start rolling around and screaming.
Back at the griffins House, Brian has just told Lois about seeing Peter’s car.
Lois: Oh my God! Brian, you need to take me there!! Kids, I’ll be back later! Don’t leave the house!!
Brian leads Lois out of the house and down the road. Chris, Meg and Stewie stand staring at the door.
Stewie: Soooo… We’ve got the house to ourselves.
Chris: Yep.
Stewie: Hmmm. Well, I’ll be back later.
Meg: Stewie! Where are you going?
Stewie: Hooter- I mean the park. Yes, I’m going to swing on the swings! Like a good boy!
Chris: I am also going to the Park. To swing.
Stewie and Chris leave the house.
Brian and Lois are now at Peter’s crashed car.
Lois: Oh No!
Brian: Hold on Lois, I’ll call the cops.
Brian crosses the street and sees a pay phone. He calls the police. Ten minutes later a policeman arrives. He walks over to Lois.
Policeman: Okay, what seems to be the problem?
Lois: Can you not see the huge flaming wreckage in front of us that used to be my husbands car?!?
Policeman: Oh sorry! Heh heh! I didn’t see that. How stupid of me!
The policeman walks over to the back of the car.
Policeman: Okay, stand back!
He pulls up the boot of the car and looks inside.
Policeman: Oh, I don’t think you’ll want to see this.
Lois: What? What is it?!
Policeman: There’s no spare tyre! If he had of got a flat tyre he would-
Lois is staring angrily at the policeman.
Policeman: Oh sorry.
Lois: So where is my husband?!
Policeman: Well, there is nobody around! Heh heh!
Lois sighs and slaps the policeman across the face.
Policeman: Hey, what was that for? I’m a policeman!
Brian (Sarcastically): Yeah, and we can see you’re a good one.
Back in Hell, Peter and Death are thinking about a way to escape.
Peter: Oh, I’m so Hungry! This is even worse than that time I couldn’t get a burger from McDonalds so I tried to make that Movie!
[Flashback of Peter at a McDonalds counter.
Peter: Uh yeah, I’d like a Bacon and egg McMuffin please.
Lady Behind Counter: Oh, I’m sorry sir! It’s past ten thirty!
Peter: Oh that’s it! I’m going to show you big McDonalds people!!! I’ll show you all!!!
The Next Day, Peter comes back into the McDonalds store with a Poster.
Peter: Behold! I’ve got a Movie Deal! I’ll read it out to you just to rub it in!
Peter opens up the Poster and it’s a movie poster that’s called “Peter Size Me”.
Peter (reading from the poster): One Man will eat nothing but McDonalds for two months! Two Months!?! Ah Screw That! I’ll just go on the Subway diet!
Peter walks out of McDonalds.
Manager: Who the hell was that guy?
[The Flashback ends]
Death: So, how are we going to get out?
A Guard opens up the cell door.
Guard: I’ve just come to get the dishes!
Death touches the guard and the guard dies.
Peter: All right! Let’s go!
Then the door slams shut.
Peter: Oh, God Damn it!!
Death: Don’t worry, I got the keys.
He opens the door and they lock the guard in. Peter looks around at Hell.
Peter: So, this is your type of World?
Death: Well, they sure didn’t get the plans from Disneyland.
The Screen cuts to an old fashioned Disneyland where Walt Disney is checking out a ride. He touches a bolt and a carriage falls off.
Walt Disney: Holy Mortimer Mouse! I was almost killed!
Just then, out of nowhere, all of Disneyland falls down in unison and catches on fire. A Young Satan is looking down on Disneyland on fire.
Satan: That looks perfect! I’ve found my design!! I shall call it…Hell!
Back with Peter and Death are now sneaking through Hell trying to escape.
Death: There’s the exit!
Peter: The exit is a Fire Escape?
Death: Yeah, ironic isn’t it.
Peter and Death open the exit. Suddenly a Huge voice yells at them.
Satan: Where do you think you two are going!!?
Peter: Oh, Crap!
Death: Quick, through the exit!
They jump through the exit and land right on top of Peter’s Destroyed car.
Lois: Oh, Peter! You’re okay!
Peter: Uhh, Honey, You might want to start running!
Satan Bursts right through the exit and starts advancing on Peter, Death, Lois and Brian.
Brian: Oh!
Lois: Aaagh!
Satan: Where are you guys off to!?! I brought you down to Hell for a reason! And that reason is… I want to thank you.
Peter: No!! Oh God No!! Not that! I- What?
Satan: You see, my wife was the most annoying, nagging woman in the World! I waned to thank you two and give you guys a reward.
Death: Well thanks, but Peter here didn’t actually contribute to-
Peter kicks Death.
Death: Ow!
Peter: Shut up!
The screen pans out to reveal that all of that was on a TV screen. And that TV screen is being watched by Peter. The credits for Family Guy are playing on the screen.
Peter: That Family Guy show is one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen! It wasted 22 minutes of my life! Lois, I’m going to Quagmires!
Peter gets up and leaves the house.
The End.
